Mom, I've Found Her!

I've found the perfect girl! She's cute, intelligent, driven, passionate, has a good heart and beautiful smile, and can light up a room with her laugh. She's taken more than one leadership role at church after being around only a couple years. She listens well, is compassionate, and cares about her family and friends. She's fit and loves frozen yogurt. Any guy would jump at the chance to snap her up.

There's just one problem: what would her boyfriend say?

Or, more to the point, what would mine?*

R and I had the beginnings of a great relationship - lunches, plans to discuss great literature, heart-to-hearts at Mr. Yogato - until what's-his-name came along. I'm not jealous, exactly... I just miss spending time with her. Under different circumstances (for instance, if I were straight), I would definitely pursue something more meaningful with her - although under those same circumstances I might be considered a dirty old man, since I am technically old enough to be her father. Indeed, maybe the love I feel for her is in a way paternal (which would explain the urge I've had to meet this boy she is dating and see if I think he is good enough for her).

But I suspect that a kernel of what I feel for R is the same kind of thing a lot of gay men have felt for women they married (and eventually divorced). I've known many such men who felt it was just the next thing they needed to do in life, who felt pressured by society and family or maybe the woman in question, or who thought perhaps it was the way to escape bothersome, frightening urges they didn't want to have.

I am just happy that I don't bring any of that to my friendship with R, that I have been through the self-discovery and process of coming out of shame that is necessary for reaching a point of happiness and yes, pride, at being gay, so that no confusion entwines itself around the interaction we have as friends.

Gay men have had a long history with straight women (though the women may not have realized it). Will and Grace. The hapless gay guy and sharp-tongued gal pal in most gay comedies. Rock Hudson and Doris Day. In my own life, I have a long list of close female friends who have sustained me over the decades, and who continue to do so.

It is such a blessing to have had such wonderful and unique friends, to be able to relate to women in a way that straight men cannot, and to be the kind of man a woman can feel completely comfortable with, in a way that she cannot, or does not often, feel with a straight man. Sometimes what a guy needs is a person who is Other, and fellow men, whether gay or straight, cannot fill this role (although straight men sometimes seem enough like interplanetary travelers that they might come close).

Even though I will never marry R - and wish her all the very best in her budding relationship - I will enjoy our continuing friendship and the realization that I finally found the woman I would, in another life, take home to meet Mom.

* (if I had one)