How can someone size me up in the time it takes to walk half a block without even exchanging a single word? Recently, someone told me I do not come off as "overwhelmingly heterosexual" - meaning, I suppose, that I do not drip masculinity - but neither have I ever thought I was overtly homosexual in appearance, voice, or behavior.
Nevertheless, I have always set off the gaydar of people who likely have never even heard of gaydar. In high school I was pegged as gay and hated for it by many of the boys on the track team I helped manage, at a time when I self-identified as straight. Someone in the lunchroom called me a faggot one day. (Granted, I was wearing the same shirt as the friend I was eating with, and while he was embarrassed about it, I was rather pleased.) And once in the dorm at college, a guy down the hall called me "a fuckin' gay boy."
Fast forward to my life as a gay man in D.C. One very late night, halfway to sunrise, I was walking hand-in-hand with my boyfriend in Dupont Circle, and we heard someone in a small group of questionable types sitting against a building mutter, "faggots," after we walked past, followed by the sound of a bottle smashing against the sidewalk. We kept going, and nothing happened, but once again I was struck first by how quickly we were judged, and second, how instantly being perceived as gay can elicit hate-filled behavior.
It's important to remember these experiences in a city with a large gay population, one that is thought to be at least somewhat gay-friendly. Living in our cozy gay worlds, where most of our friends are gay and where it seems there is gayness everywhere, we can easily become complacent about safety. The D.C. police department’s Gay and Lesbian Liaison Unit (GLLU) used to have two officers (one gay and one lesbian), and now it has several members, some of whom are straight. Arlington County now has a GLLU. This increases our sense of safety and protection. But the fact is, D.C. is experiencing an increase in violent crime and in "bias crimes" - more commonly known as hate crimes - against gays, so it's prudent to remember that even though awareness, sensitivity, and tolerance have increased, the picture's not all rosy.
What I have gained from my experience as a gay man, however, is an increased sensitivity to bigotry towards others, particularly blacks, living in an area with a large African American population. It has increased my self-awareness of the prejudice I carry with me every day, the spot judgments I myself make of others in that same half-block distance, the smug assurance I feel characterizing someone else within a few seconds, at least until I hear them speak.
At a recent fiction workshop, I felt confident in guessing who wrote which story from the pile of manuscripts we each received prior to arriving at the workshop. What surprise - and what shame - I felt upon learning that the person I decided probably wrote one of the worst stories was actually the writer of one of the best. I was amazed to think how quickly I came to my conclusions with no evidence to reach them. (Thankfully, I was able to quickly jettison any preconceived notions of this person and enjoyed our week together of writing and discussion.)
How incredible that such a gleaming silver lining could be reaped from my experiences of being treated hatefully, that my eyes were opened to my own bigotry in time for me to do something about it. Quite often, I am sad to admit, I catch myself having ideas about someone I’ve just met – or have not yet met – but now I take those ideas and leave them at the door before allowing them to poison my interaction with that person. Like Joseph (see Genesis 50:20), what man intended for harm, God meant for good. And for that I am thankful.
